Family, by Robert Hayden

How do you define family?

Is it simply blood relations? Is it just a mixture of parents, grandparents, siblings and cousins? Is family defined purely by DNA? Or is there another definition of family?

I can tell you from my own experience that my personal definition of family has nothing to do with genetics. My “biological” relations are not what I consider my family.

My real family is the one that I chose for myself, not the one that I was born into.

Growing up in a toxic family is terrible for any child. For those of us in the LGBTQ+ community it’s an all-too-familiar refrain. It’s heartbreaking how so many of us were damaged by our families simply because we were seen as “different” from them.

For me, the abuse I suffered at the hands of my family didn’t even have much to do with homophobia. Even had I been born straight I still would have suffered at the hands of my parents. It was the unfortunate reality of being raised by two people with severe emotional and psychological issues, who rather than seeking treatment chose to take their aggressions out on their child.

Leaving such a toxic family behind is not easy. It certainly wasn’t for me. When I made the decision nearly 20 years ago to walk away from my family I felt as if I were walking off a cliff without a safety net. I was plagued with guilt for my decision, and I still had not dealt with the damage that they had done to me.

For many years I lived with severe anxiety and depression and was a social outcast. I was unable to trust anyone, and I kept people at what I considered a “safe” distance. On top of that I stopped taking care of myself and ballooned up to 300 pounds.

I was not living or thriving. I was merely surviving.

It wasn’t until I finally had the wherewithal to get myself into therapy six years ago that my life started to change. As I processed my trauma and began to heal my psychological wounds I started to slowly lower my defenses and let people in. Still, years of social isolation had left me feeling very insecure, and there were many times that I had to give myself a considerable “pep talk” before going into a social engagement.

In an effort to challenge myself I would go to various fun events like trivia nights or happy hour socials. I even went as far as to start organizing such events myself. It felt great socializing with other people, but I always felt like there was still a certain barrier. It was like everyone was more than comfortable as long as we were engaged in this particular activity, but as soon as the activity was over everyone went their separate ways. As I continued to grow emotionally and heal psychologically it was frustrating to experience this, as all I wanted to do was to connect and build relationships with people.

Then I joined the Frontrunners.

I found out about the Frontrunners via a weekly virtual happy hour that occurred during the pandemic. Several people on the call were members of the Frontrunners, but it wasn’t until spring of 2021 that in-person events started to happen again.

I was a little bit nervous going for the first time. In the first place I wasn’t a runner, but my happy hour friends told me that there were plenty of people who walked so it wasn’t as if I’d be walking alone. Still, I was worried I’d feel slighted or even ostracized for not being a runner in a group that calls itself the Frontrunners.

Well, all I can say is that the Frontrunners became much more to me than just a “running club”. I had no idea when I joined how many amazing relationships I would cultivate, how many countless invitations to parties and dinners I would receive, and how many deep and meaningful friendships I would forge. When I eventually decided to forgo walking and give running a try, even as a beginner runner I was immediately welcomed into the fold, and as I slowly progressed my fellow Frontrunners were always on hand to cheer me on and give me encouragement.

But their encouragement goes farther than just the running.

When I made the difficult decision to “come out” with my story about my toxic family and subsequent mental health struggles earlier this year I was overwhelmed by the response. Many people had no idea what I had overcome, how much abuse I had endured as a child, and how much I had struggled with anxiety, depression, social loneliness and obesity up until just a few years ago. Countless people went out of their way to offer me their support and to express their admiration for my courage in telling my story.

When I suffered an unexpected emotional setback and was absent for nearly two weeks I had numerous people checking in on me, expressing their concerns for my well-being, and telling me how much they missed my presence.

When I got COVID in April it was painful not being able to socialize, but I was mind blown by the amount of support I got. Between people sending me food, cards, and even just words of encouragement, it helped me get through the agony of isolation and reminded me that even at a distance I was not alone.

As I write this post I have just gone through yet another difficult personal event as my romantic relationship just came to an abrupt end a few weeks ago. To say I was devastated is an understatement, but I had the support system of my fellow Frontrunners to help me through this painful experience. I can’t count how many people have reached out to offer their support, their love, and even just a hug when I needed it.

That’s what family is about.

My real family is the one that I have now, not the toxic relations that are bound to me by only genetics. Real family gives support. They love me unconditionally. They pick me up when I’m down. And they accept me completely for who I am.

Robert Hayden

He/Him

I am forever grateful for my chosen family. Thank you, Frontrunners!